How to… attract men
Modern, enlightened man respects woman as his moral, economic and social equal, and the bigger her breasts are, the more respect she’ll get. Breasts sympathetically arranged in an attractive display unit are sufficient to attract any man with a pulse. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they will attract any man with a pulse. The difficult thing for a woman is to attract only men she finds attractive. Fortunately, when it comes to attracting a man, there are two powerful forces at work: a woman’s body and a man’s ego. Remember, a man’s ego can be expanded to fill any deficiencies in a woman’s appearance.
The key is to unlock the power of gratuitous flattery. So if you can keep a straight face and tell the average man something like, “You have a dangerously unsettling sexual aura”, he will not only believe you immediately, but will believe it for the rest of his life, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Men project their energies and affections on to external things. A good way of attracting them is to flatter them on this external thing: take your pick from car, sound system, model railway, computer, shed, pigeon, medallion, yacht or todger.
Theoretically, men like pin-ups, but, practically, will settle for anything they can pin down. In fact, most men wouldn’t know where to start when confronted with anything approaching a pin-up. Instead, men have a certain little something about women that they find irresistibly attractive. You won’t know you have this thing until you notice that the woman he leaves you for has the exact same thing as well.
Playing hard to get is a traditional way of pulling in a man. Some men love the thrill of the chase, and your role should be that of hunt saboteur, rather than just the fox. If a man has shown no initial interest, playing hard to get will just make you look very odd. And that’s when you find yourself becoming strangely attractive to men who are also very odd.
How to… attract women
Women also like to have their own confidence boosted. You can do this by complimenting hair, weight, dress, eyes, shoes and clothing in any combination. For example: “Those new shoes go well with your excellent haircut” works well; “Your weight makes your shoes look big” doesn’t.
Romance is important for women. Whisking her off to Paris is all very well, but it’s only going through the motions. Romance is best when it’s highly personal, intensely thoughtful, beautifully executed and a complete surprise. Ideally, a romantic gesture will include many, if not all, of the following: tissue paper, jewellery, keys, tickets, chocolate, baths, letters, thick white towelling dressing gowns.
Most women demand a good sense of humour in their man. Fortunately, most men develop a sense of humour because they have to deal with women. Be warned that women don’t think belching the national anthem is funny. They’re not even impressed with Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring. What they want is a man who doesn’t take himself too seriously. In general, women don’t take men seriously, so they won’t make an exception for you.
If you’ve got rock-solid confidence and a great sense of humour, you don’t need to be great-looking. Of course, women would prefer you had all three, but then you’d almost certainly be gay and they’d be back to square one.
What women do object to is embarrassing clothes. To a woman, you are basically a glorified accessory and it’s therefore very important that you don’t clash or jar in any way.
You can have all of the above and still be a profound disappointment to women if you are a sloppy kisser. Kissing is important to women, and shouldn’t feel like you’re rodding the drains or eating a watermelon. You should also concentrate on kissing, as it gives you extra foreplay points and will go some way to meeting that impossible foreplay target women set.
Being good at sex isn’t going to help you with seducing women, because they’re unlikely to take someone else’s word for it and, by the time they find out you’re rubbish, it’s too late and the wedding guests have long gone.
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